So Hard.

I wanted to write about this last night ...but just didn't have the energy. Emotionally, I was drained. Physically I was hanging in there ... probably more out of stubborness and determination than anything else. Last night gets the award for the worst night since we came home.

Yesterday started well. It was a school day for Ben and Maddie, and they were both happy to be there. I headed for the garden centre so I could get some planting organised for when they got home, and bumped into a neighbour who has recently had a baby. After I'd picked up the kids from school, "A" (the neighbour) decided to come visit ...

Ben was happy to see the baby. He held baby twice, and was very attentive. I was also aware that he was watching closely to see MY reaction to the baby, so I didn't get too carried away. When "A" fed baby, I held Ben on my knee and told him "My baby boy", which got me a big grin. All in all, the day was going very well.

It was getting close to dinner by the time "A" left, and the kids were all pretty tired as they'd been playing hard. I noticed that Ben was getting that "zombie" look about him, and tried to distract him out of it. It was just not going to happen. He was feeling sad, and somewhat angry and nothing was going to make it any better.

I took him upstairs to get some alone time with him and by that stage he was just spacing out. Would not look at me, talk to me, or let me touch him. He was completely in another zone. He did let me put his pyjamas on, which was completely about practicality and function as opposed to affection. For as long as I didn't get touchy-feely, then I was allowed close. He did not want to come down for dinner, so I asked if he was tired and wanted to go "sona". Nothing. He crawled up into the bed and scooted as far into the wall as he could get. He refused the pillow, blankets, everything. I folded the clothes he'd just taken off and he glared at them. He told me "no mine". Me ...trying hard to stay calm told him that yes they were his, and we'd just put them away in his drawers for tonight. I told him that I was sorry he was sad and that I loved him ... Then came the stinger .... "Benjamin no love Mummy". Ok ........ the books don't prepare you for this. Next came "Benjamin yucky ... no good Benjamin". Being hopeful, I thought he may have been talking about his new name, and asked if he'd rather be Rashid .... all that got me was an emphatic NO. I told him that I was sorry that he was sad, and that I love him very very much forever. Nothing.

Ok, back to the drawing board. Reassurance was not working, and me being in the same room was obviously making matters worse. He wanted nothing to do with any of his new life ... No clothes, no blankets, no TV, no food and definitely no Mother. For FOUR hours, he cried.

Ok then.... What to do, eh?

I put him into my bed ... the girls needed to get some sleep and it wasn't going to happen with him screaming in his bed. I offered to lay with him and he wouldn't even look at me. I told him when he wanted to talk to Mummy, just to come down. Nothing again.

Another 30 minutes went past and I heard our bedroom door open. I went to meet him and the look of sadness on his face was like nothing I'd ever seen before. I asked if wanted to talk about it and he said yes. Ok, ...finally ...somewhere to start. I asked if he knew what he was sad, ...again a yes. Followed by another silence. I asked if he was angry .....nope, that wasn't it. ....more silence. I asked if he knew how much I loved him, and that this was forever ...and he dissolved into tears. He clung to me so tight and told me over and over "I love you Mummy, I love you Mummy" ...I told him that I knew he loved me, and that I loved him too.

Then he decided he wanted food. Dinner had been and gone, but his plate was in the microwave and he was ready to eat. We came downstairs, he ate and then announced he was ready for bed. I got a big kiss and a hearty "I love you" as we went upstairs.

Just like that.

I wish I could fix his pain ...... Of course, to truly do that, I'd need to know the scource of it, and unless he can tell me one day odds are that I'll never know his whole story. Whats important for now though, is that he's loved .... and that he's loving back. Despite the pain, insecurities and hurt in his little heart, he's realising that things are going to be ok. He's letting me fix his physical owies, and for the first time he's letting me try to heal his emotional scars too.