So, I got to thinking....

An interesting conversation I had with another adoptive parent yesterday has really got me thinking. It was a simple question she asked me ..... "Soooo, how did your post-placement visit go?". Yeah...post-placement visit. What post-placement visit?

The last 6wks have gone by so fast that there have only been a couple of times that I've actually stopped and remembered that we have not heard one word from our agency since we got home. Not a phone call, an email, ...Nothing. It got me thinking ... a lot.

I feel fortunate that we entered this whole process with a very realistic idea as to what can happen. I'd spoken to a lot of other adoptive parents (and espescially parents who had adopted older kids), and they'd shard their experiences, both positive and negative. Add that to the fact that this is child #5 for us, and we're taking everything in our stride.

It got me thinking about other families though. If Ben were my first child, and we'd not been fortunate enough to have other families to talk to, this last 6 wks would have been so very different, both for him and us. Some of the things that we've experienced with him would have absolutely had me doubting my ability to be a parent. I know a lot of people who adopt older kids are older first-time parents themselves, and I've really got to wondering about what kind of support is there for them. Would pride prevent one of these parents in a rough situation from picking up the phone and asking for help, or would they just struggle through it? So many adoptions "disrupt", and I have to wonder that if there were more support upon arriving home, would there be as many disruptions? When you have a baby, you have post-natal care out the wazoo. A baby .... while stressful in its own right, is not capable of the sadness and rage that comes with an older adopted child. Babies don't go into zombie meltdowns, tell their mothers that they don't love them, and draw all over your furniture.

I think our major meltdown from earlier in the week was also a major break-through. 3 times yesterday he bordered on getting really upset, and instead of going straight to tears and zombie-mode, he came and told me he was sad and then we just snuggled our way out of it. I heard "I love you" endlessly yesterday ... I think he may be feeling a little worried about his "Benjamin no love Mummy" tirade from earlier in the week. Each time, I've just told him that I know that he loves me, and that I love him very much too.

His English has turned a new corner and he's now stringing together short sentences. He's obviously delighted to be experiencing this much-missed ability to communicate and I'm sure that this is helping a lot too. He has a real soft spot for his little sister, and out of all the kids he takes criticism from her the hardest. They'll be bantering back and forward as brothers and sisters do, but if his mood is even a little fragile, he'll take every last thing she said very personally. They also play very well together and are firm best buddies. Since the day we arrived home they've had a great understanding of exactly what the other is saying, despite the language differences. She tells him things that wouldn't occur to me to tell him. They'll be colouring for example, and she'll let him know "Blue is Mums favourite colour".

Having Ben and Maddie is a lot like having twins. He's starting to take his emotional cues from her .. He's watching how she deals with conflict, how she reacts when she's happy. He sees the random snuggles that she gives to me, and realises that he can do that too.

I feel like he's really claimed me as his mother. I've passed the tests he's thrown at me, and in his mind I'm capable of being his Mum. He's relaxing as he realises that he no longer needs to parent himself .... that he has someone ready, willing, and loving every second of taking that job from him. Its a great feeling for me too!